Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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