I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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