he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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