my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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