Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
