Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
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I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
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Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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