I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
