i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
