I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
