Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
