Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
