she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
