Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
