70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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