There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
