I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
