I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Terrible idea I love it
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
