I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
