I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
