Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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