i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
