Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
