separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
