I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
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Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
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After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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