Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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