I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
