i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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