Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
