My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
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He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
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I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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