My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's official drugs can't kill me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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