have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
