your parents love me but you hate me
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My vagina just recognized that song.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
