$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
