the condom got lost in my hair
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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