the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
