i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
