god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
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Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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