everyone is single if you try hard enough
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
