i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
