What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
