At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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