There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I think my moral compass just broke
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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