i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
