he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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