i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
