Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
