I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
