So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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