You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
