The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
