hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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