Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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