i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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