so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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