Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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