God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
