My liver just broke up with me...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
